Hope and Healing is for all. I am a seeker who is exploring old and new paths leading to Holistic transformation. A Positive Caring Community is vital for the Journey. Words can create, inspire, and resurrect.
Its been along time. My creative blogging brain/heart cells have been offline for a while now. Mostly due to mental exhaustion, emotional heartbreak, new job, etc, etc.
So much has happened since we last communicated. I may need you, I feel led back to you. There is stuff that needs to come out of me in order to see clearly. I want to honor this space and you the reader with my efforts.
They won’t be perfect, but its all my heart on display. It may not entertain, but it will likely be naked and raw. I hope you can stay and hold the space with me. I thank you for the past faithfulness and your interest.
Just over two weeks. Unemployed. Its not so bad. My wife is very supportive and encouraging. She knew that the position that I had held for two years was very hard on my heart and head.
Two years ago when we were both offered positions with this non-profit in another town, I was apprehensive, but excited. We were in love, and this was a big step into a new life together. The current Director at the faith based org where I was working told me it would be very hard.
And it was. Very hard.
But I was ready to jump into this. “Yes” was my mantra now. Most of my adult life it had been “No” or “Maybe, let me think about it.” (more like overthink, ruminate, chew the cud, until the choice was taken from me)
Procrastination mixed with negative thought patterns, a somewhat comfortable status quo(working in successful, small town, family business for thirty years) made it difficult to cultivate a mindset of risk and change. To my parents generation, leaving any position after only two years(without a solid backup plan and paid employment) would be considered a flaky decision.
Today, not so much. Movement, change, adaptability is the norm in this century. I think I have a young enough attitude to flex with the times, to mold myself into new shapes.
Change is good. Transformation at any age keeps the mind, body and soul from stagnating.
My Faith tells me that my loved ones and me will be taken care of.
I was raised in a faithless family. In my memories, which are few, it just was not a focus. I’m not saying it was a negative, its just where my parents and their parents ended up.
I have been a seeker since I was about 20 years old. My sister, for reasons beyond my understanding bought me the now legendary “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.” I was into motorcycles, was quite gifted mechanically and loved to read. She took a guess. I don’t think she has ever bought anything like that for me before or since. I should ask her if she recalls her motivation for that. If she saw some latent spiritual seeker in her brother.
I was consumed by the narrative of the spiritual journey that the author described. My mind and heart were fertile ground for spirituality. I was searching for meaning, and have been for my whole life.
One of my vivid teenage memories is of having one of our very few heart to heart talks with my mother. She was curious about where I was at, since I rarely shared anything with them after about age 12. They were not a source of safety for me. Our family rarely shared emotions and my heart was particularly soft. To protect myself, I just shut down with them. My peer group became the only safe place, and even that was a false safety. It felt like I was telling her the most important wisdom in the world. At that age you think you know everything. “Life has no meaning, the only thing that matters is having fun in whatever way you find, all the time.”
Without knowing the power of my words, I had cursed myself, or if it suits better; I had installed a mental narrative at a vulnerable time in my life that would affect me for years to come. My twenties were fun, but empty. I had no goals, no dreams, no purpose. I self medicated with soft drugs, alcohol, friends, parties, girls, and more. To try to fill up, or numb the lack in my heart and soul.
I clung to the next thing, to save me, to give me purpose, to put a smile on my face, if only temporarily. I was clinically depressed and medicated for it. My thirties was much the same. I was single, decently employed, relatively attractive, but not a catch. I didn’t know myself and it was evident to these women. Socially, I craved quality relationships, but didn’t have much to give.
I got religion, I got Jesus, born again at age 40. Wow! I found myself desperate, broken, searching in a place that I never thought I would be found. A Church, Pentecostal to boot! This was faith, belief, community, connection, transformation, healing all in one simple prayer. I was ready to jump fully in!
It gave me purpose, helped me heal, “find my self” (Lol). The Church was everywhere as well. It was worldwide as I soon discovered. I found the courage to travel, to explore, to risk. I found the courage to invest myself fully no matter what the scoffers said. I did something(I did a lot of things) that I had wanted to do for a long time but lacked the courage. I quit the family business after 30 years and went to university to pursue pastoral leadership. I felt called to dive deep. It felt great to surrender and get out of my home town and start to really live. “Yes” became my mantra. Yes to life, to risk, to failure, to redemption, to relationship.
I am now married(first time, only time. To an amazing soul). I have five “step” children(first), seven step grandchildren a new career and purpose.
My belief looks nothing like it did on that day I was “born again” back in 2003. I do not run from doubt. It helps to form my belief journey. Its far from static. My heart of belief is not tied to church doctrine, or the inerrant, infallible “word of God”. It is tied to an energy, a purpose, a kind, forgiving, patient, redeeming, healing, Creator God. A God who is very familiar with humanity, who knows me inside and out intimately. He lives in all things, he aspires to inspire us to join the Journey to See, him, her, it, or rather Them.
There is much more that I will be exploring than my lack of employment on this blog. I cant even believe that I am writing a blog. To find myself with the time and the need to develop some kind of income at this time in my life is either a huge gift or a cruel joke of The Creator.
I have many passions. Many have not been deeply explored, others due to personal necessity have become central to my ongoing health and well being. As the header to my site displays; Healing, Hope, Wholeness, will be the central themes of this space. It is my passion for myself and for others to know as much about the wonderful “Self” of who we are, how we are made, and what our purpose is. The god energy that each human being lives with, is personal, dynamic and loving. We move and breathe with an intimate Creator who is worthy of knowing. For all the deep trials and monumental struggles that this life may bring, its still worth the journey.
Hope of healing and wholeness, of a brighter more joyful tomorrow. Even if we cannot smile ourselves today: there is always a chance, a possibility to bring joy or to be someone else’s joy.Please engage with me on this journey. I look forward to hearing from you. We all have a story, or many stories that help us to communicate who we are and how we hurt. And we all hurt. But, on the other side, there is a mysterious force that desires our joy. A force that is asking us to join Him, to participate in, and to share his knowledge and healing, hoping, holistic presence. Its there for all of us. Come and see.
Hope and Healing 