Passion

This seems like an appropriate day to celebrate passion.

Passion for living life large,

Living like you know your going to die,

Moments

There are moments that cry out to be fulfilled.

Like, telling someone you love them.

Or giving your money away, all of it.

Your heart is beating, isn’t it?

You’re not in chains, are you?

There is nothing more pathetic than caution

when headlong might save a life,

even, possibly, your own.

Mary Oliver   ‘Felicity’   2016

Days of Love

Its been a while since I posted. Not sure why the urge has come to me today. Truth be told, there has been that nagging whispering to return for a few weeks now. So, many changes, seemingly so quickly.

Its Valentines Day and we are supposed to be celebrating with our main squeeze, our primary partner, our life long love. I am bucking tradition today, since I am currently separated from my spouse and wondering if it may be permanent.

But really that should not make any difference. I need to be loving myself, my source, my Higher Power that lives inside each and everyday.

Today I celebrate me. I give thanks for all I am, all that has been given to me, and for this life, without judgement. Clearing the cobwebs, and see the miracle of my unique essence.

Love for myself, is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

 It does not dishonor others, its ok to be self-seeking when needed, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love for my True Self Never Ends….

How do you feel about yourself?

Oy, what a way to start the week. This question has been overriding all my writing this morning. Writing that will unlikely make the light of day due to its very personal nature. The weekend was pleasant as the wife and I began the Christmas visiting season with her family on Saturday. Unfortunately just prior to that we had a falling out that made the time with family somewhat unpleasant. Having a smile that does not feel authentic on your face for 6 hours can be exhausting. However, I find watching my wife being pleasant and hospitable despite her anger with me can be just as tiring.

The nature of self worth, self esteem, personal valuation can lead one down many paths in this short life. Being selfish, making selfish choices that are hurtful and degrading to the one you love the most on the planet generally comes back to one’s feelings towards the your own self. That old cliche has some truth to it nonetheless. “You can’t love others unless you love yourself.” The Bible directs the man of faith to “Love your wife as you love yourself.” To be accurate, the complete passage from Ephesians is urging the reader towards a sacrificial type of love; as when Christ sacrificed himself for all of humanity on the Cross where he died. With that as our model, so we should love our wives.

In light of these words and traditional knowledge can we say offer up any reasons why we cannot muster up enough self esteem to love our wives as they undoubtedly deserve? Is it our lack of love in childhood? The book “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb PhD has been a compelling read. She says that “emotional neglect” can be a far more insidious trauma because it is not taken as seriously as mental, sexual, and physical abuse, and yet many therapists claim it is much harder to treat successfully.

My family of origin certainly did not express many emotions, positive or negative during my formative years. When I became a teen, I withdrew emotionally and found relationships elsewhere. Not much healthier but it was all I thought I needed. If there was a street gang back then for middle class depressed pothead living in a small prairie town, I would have been a good candidate. It was not until I was in my forties that I found out that I had deep needs to hear overt words of love and affirmation. I found real faith in a loving community that was open about showing love and unconditional acceptance. I was at a place of desperation at that moment and a fell into the arms of God willingly and fully surrendering.

A lot of healing has taken place from my faith journey, but there is more to come. Freud called it the “Id”, some call it the “Inner Child”, some just the authentic, real, unchanging soul, the “SELF”. It is the part of us that lasts, that is perfect, shares space with God, and is ultimately what each one of us is journeying back to in this life. As one comes to know the SELF, one is healed of self loathing, self condemnation, depression, anxiety, and comes to possess peace, the lasting kind.

There will be more to come on this blog about my journey. Ultimately, everything that I write here will be connected to my journey. I would really like to know your thoughts on loving one’s self, and loving others.

Please share your stories of hurt, hope and healing.

Do You hear what I hear?

                                                        

Listen, the quiet speaks

shy silence, far away

Messages of Love, charity, sacrifice,

burning passion,

its right here, close,

present, breathing,

does no one here?

Lover of my Soul,

Whispers sweet,

but not complete,

Enough for now, but now I long,

Promised more,

Hope, pray, wait,

Listen close,

I Am.

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash