Category: Uncategorized

How do you feel about yourself?

by KT Rayma, posted in Uncategorized

Oy, what a way to start the week. This question has been overriding all my writing this morning. Writing that will unlikely make the light of day due to its very personal nature. The weekend was pleasant as the wife and I began the Christmas visiting season with her family on Saturday. Unfortunately just prior to that we had a falling out that made the time with family somewhat unpleasant. Having a smile that does not feel authentic on your face for 6 hours can be exhausting. However, I find watching my wife being pleasant and hospitable despite her anger with me can be just as tiring.

The nature of self worth, self esteem, personal valuation can lead one down many paths in this short life. Being selfish, making selfish choices that are hurtful and degrading to the one you love the most on the planet generally comes back to one’s feelings towards the your own self. That old cliche has some truth to it nonetheless. “You can’t love others unless you love yourself.” The Bible directs the man of faith to “Love your wife as you love yourself.” To be accurate, the complete passage from Ephesians is urging the reader towards a sacrificial type of love; as when Christ sacrificed himself for all of humanity on the Cross where he died. With that as our model, so we should love our wives.

In light of these words and traditional knowledge can we say offer up any reasons why we cannot muster up enough self esteem to love our wives as they undoubtedly deserve? Is it our lack of love in childhood? The book “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb PhD has been a compelling read. She says that “emotional neglect” can be a far more insidious trauma because it is not taken as seriously as mental, sexual, and physical abuse, and yet many therapists claim it is much harder to treat successfully.

My family of origin certainly did not express many emotions, positive or negative during my formative years. When I became a teen, I withdrew emotionally and found relationships elsewhere. Not much healthier but it was all I thought I needed. If there was a street gang back then for middle class depressed pothead living in a small prairie town, I would have been a good candidate. It was not until I was in my forties that I found out that I had deep needs to hear overt words of love and affirmation. I found real faith in a loving community that was open about showing love and unconditional acceptance. I was at a place of desperation at that moment and a fell into the arms of God willingly and fully surrendering.

A lot of healing has taken place from my faith journey, but there is more to come. Freud called it the “Id”, some call it the “Inner Child”, some just the authentic, real, unchanging soul, the “SELF”. It is the part of us that lasts, that is perfect, shares space with God, and is ultimately what each one of us is journeying back to in this life. As one comes to know the SELF, one is healed of self loathing, self condemnation, depression, anxiety, and comes to possess peace, the lasting kind.

There will be more to come on this blog about my journey. Ultimately, everything that I write here will be connected to my journey. I would really like to know your thoughts on loving one’s self, and loving others.

Please share your stories of hurt, hope and healing.

One Chance to Blow

by KT Rayma, posted in Uncategorized

Lose Yourself

by Marshall Mathers

Look
If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture it
Or just let it slip?Yo
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin’
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won’t come out
He’s chokin’, how, everybody’s jokin’ now
The clocks run out, times up, over, blaow!
Snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He’s so mad, but he won’t give up that easy? No
He won’t have it, he knows his whole back city’s ropes
It don’t matter, he’s dope, he knows that, but he’s broke
He’s so stacked that he knows, when he goes back to his mobile home, that’s when its
Back to the lab again yo, this whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don’t pass himYou better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you betterYou better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you betterThe souls escaping, through this hole that its gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is borin’, but super stardom’s close to post mortar
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he’s known as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows, he’s grown farther from home, he’s no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose ’cause here goes the cold water
His hoes don’t want him no mo, he’s cold product
They moved on to the next schmo who flows, he nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds, I suppose it’s old partna, but the beat goes on
Da da dumb da dumb da daYou better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you betterYou better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you betterNo more games, I’m a change what you call rage
Tear this motherfuckin’ roof off like two dogs caged
I was playin’ in the beginnin’, the mood all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhymin’ and stepwritin’ the next cipher
Best believe somebody’s payin’ the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the
Fact that I can’t get by with my nine to
Five and I can’t provide the right type of
Life for my family ’cause man, these God damn food stamps don’t buy diapers
And its no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer
This is my life and these times are so hard
And it’s getting even harder tryin’ to feed and water my seed, plus
See dishonor caught up between bein’ a father and a prima-donna
Baby mama drama screamin’ on and too much
For me to want to say in one spot, another jam or not
Has gotten me to the point, I’m like a snail I’ve got
To formulate a plot fore I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfuckin’ option, failures not
Mom, I love you, but this trail has got to go, I cannot grow old in Salem’s lot
So here I go is my shot
Feet fail me not ’cause maybe the only opportunity that I got,

You Can do anything you set your mind to, better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you better

LyricFindSongwriters: Jeffrey Irwin Bass / Marshall B Mathers / Luis Edgardo RestoLose Yourself lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

o

Business, Busyness, Risk and Change

by KT Rayma, posted in Uncategorized

Just over two weeks. Unemployed. Its not so bad. My wife is very supportive and encouraging. She knew that the position that I had held for two years was very hard on my heart and head.

 Two years ago when we were both offered positions with this non-profit in another town, I was apprehensive, but excited. We were in love, and this was a big step into a new life together. The current Director at the faith based org where I was working told me it would be very hard.

And it was. Very hard.

 But I was ready to jump into this. “Yes” was my mantra now. Most of my adult life it had been “No” or “Maybe, let me think about it.” (more like overthink, ruminate, chew the cud, until the choice was taken from me)

 Procrastination mixed with negative thought patterns, a somewhat comfortable status quo(working in successful, small town, family business for thirty years) made it difficult to cultivate a mindset of risk and change. To my parents generation, leaving any position after only two years(without a solid backup plan and paid employment) would be considered a flaky decision.

 Today, not so much. Movement, change, adaptability is the norm in this century. I think I have a young enough attitude to flex with the times, to mold myself into new shapes.

 Change is good. Transformation at any age keeps the mind, body and soul from stagnating.

My Faith tells me that my loved ones and me will be taken care of.

 “Yes” is the only way forward, to success…again.

Depression, Darkness, Dysthymia

by KT Rayma, posted in Uncategorized

The mornings are the worst. I can feel it like a weighted blanket thrown over my mind, my thoughts, my emotions.

Sneaks in like a fog, rolling through the night looking for an unsuspecting valley to settle into. The stillness of sleep is the open door through which it enters the town. The gatekeepers have fallen asleep on their watches, the enemy arrives unseen. All defenses, walls cannot repel the mist.

 The intruder does not belong there, but he knows the layout of the city. He knows how to jump the gates, he knows the way to central square. Then city hall.

 The center of thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams.

 A coup.

 A takeover.

 An Invasion.

 Undetected by slumber, the enemy anticipates, awaits in freshly conquered territory. He knows the vanquished will be conscious soon.

Wakened to recognize the foe has come, come again.

Do You hear what I hear?

by KT Rayma, posted in Uncategorized

Listen, the quiet speaks

shy silence, far away

Messages of Love, charity, sacrifice,

burning passion,

its right here, close,

present, breathing,

does no one here?

Lover of my Soul,

Whispers sweet,

but not complete,

Enough for now, but now I long,

Promised more,

Hope, pray, wait,

Listen close,

I Am.

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash